


Darth Princess and the Evil Fairytale Ginger

by 5ofSpades



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Baby dragons - Freeform, Community: tfa_kink, Competent Hux, Crack, Disney? - Freeform, Dragon Hux likes Princes, F/M, Illustrated, Little Darth Mermaid, M/M, Overworked Vizier Hux, Parody, Poe and Finn as a Horse, Poe as a Magical Carpet, Selkies, Sleeping Darth Tantrum and his Evil Ginger Dragon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-03 01:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6591103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5ofSpades/pseuds/5ofSpades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:<br/>Kylo Ben is a literal Disney Prince(ss). Hux is a literal Disney Villain. </p><p>Crack Fill:<br/>Aladdin, where Leia burst out into song about the indiscretions of youth.<br/>The Little Mermaid, where Kylo Ren went onto dry land and never came back.<br/>Sleep Beauty, where Hux Sr and Wife are most disappointed in their son for not having a Princess kidnapped in his dragon cave, and life is a parody play.</p><p>Now Illustrated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Queen's Wisdom Song

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt:  
> Can we please see interpretations of classical Disney movies with these two in their appointed roles?
> 
> Suggestions:
> 
> The Little Mermaid AU: Kylo is a merman who makes a deal with Hux, the sea witch (Hux: WIZARD!) to explore the land. 
> 
> Aladdin: Kylo is the sulky Prince(ss) of Agrabah, forced into seclusion by his parents and forbidden to leave the palace grounds. Hux is the Grand Vizeer with ambitions towards the throne. 
> 
> Sleeping Beauty: Kylo is the Prince(ss) locked in enchanted slumber. (The entire kingdom let out a sigh of relief and thanked the force when his temper tantrums ceased). Hux is a dragon.

**Aladdin:**

 

Leia, looking sadly at Rey the Scavenger, her magical lamp Finn, and her magical carpet Poe, then Prince Ben: ♫ Listen to me son. I know you are in the cusp of youth! I know the wild world outside doth so amuse! But son, don't be seduced by adventure!

Leia, pointing at Han Solo: ♫ Or you’ll end up with a nerf-herder! Who might sweep you off on magical falcon rides, but can’t help balance your kingdom’s spreadsheets even if they tried!

♫ Why son I was a young Princess just like you! With my head up in a cloud and my heart afloat! But all Princesses must one day grow, and their kingdom’s burden a shackle too heavy to lift by their own selves.

(Ben: Hey!)  
(Hux: Oh Ben do listen to your Mother. She is never wrong.)

Leia, suddenly pointing at Hux: ♫ So son see here is a better match, who will plan your day and collect your tax, who will help you weather sun and rain, and allow you to relax. Who will deal with all the embassies, and frighten all your enemies…

(Hux: I thought I already do all that.)  
(Han Solo: Hey but then you can do our boy as well, once you are married. I thought you two were into that.)  
(Hux: wisely keeps his mouth shut.)  
(Ben: Dad!)

♫ … and come up with plans to train your army, and the harvests he will tally!

Rey: Eh excuse me, we were actually looking for the grand Vizier Hux, for we’ve heard he may be able to change the marriage laws, so my lamp and carpet and I could enter into a 3-way marriage…

Leia: Oh. Oh in that case. Hux dear, they are all yours. And do propose to my Ben sometime before the next harvest moon. He’s been of age for well, ages!

Hux: Of course your majesty.

Ben: ////


	2. The Little Floundering Mermaid

**The Little Mermaid:**

 

Kylo Ren’s father came from the land, carried by the sea. Kylo Ren’s Uncle would sometimes still show him the wreckage of the ship, the Millennium Falcon, that had once belonged to his father.

But what came from the land must return to the land. And Kylo Ren too, longed for the land, so much so, that he traded his powers to the sea witch Snoke, and walked up the shore with dragging steps on new shaky white legs.

**

The desert country was dry and hot. So dry and hot, that Kylo felt the last of the moisture leave him, felt his skin flake, felt as if he was a floundering fish baking alive under the sun. He was a fish, baking alive under the sun.

“How much for that one?” a haughty and disdainful voice asked.

“Two bags of spices.” The slaver couldn’t wait to get rid of his first rowdy and now sickly charge.

“Two? The man looks half dead. And that unsightly nose, those disproportionate ears. Half a bag would be more than what he is worth.”

“One bag at least, good sir. Look at his pale skin and good hair. He even has all his teeth!”

“Half a bag or I take the rest of my business elsewhere too.”

Kylo Ren was thrown onto the back of a three-humped camel like a limp sack, along with the rest of the goods.

**

The house his new owner lived in was by the sea.

The red haired man neither tried to make Kylo cry (Kylo did not cry anymore, crying only brought more pain) to collect the pearls that were his tears, nor tried to make Kylo sing and entertain (for a seafolk the man had a terrible voice). He simply gave his new property free run of the house. Sometimes they would sit down together on the porch, looking out at the sea.

Kylo did not try to run away. There was fresh fish, a soft bed, and a warm inviting body to share the nights with here (this one was not overbearing and repulsive like the others, and sought mutual pleasure in their couplings). There was no point running away.

**

One day the man came back with a struggling boy, a Hosnian by the look of his robes. When the boy wiggled free and tried to make a run for it, Kylo hit him over the head.

Kylo’s owner showed Kylo his large underground cellar. It was not stocked with food, it was not stocked with wine. Instead it was stocked with human skins. With the newest addition that Kylo had helped him peel and clean, now there were a thousand skins.

“They took my pelt away and confined me to their cursed land. Now I take their pelts from them, to return me to the sea,” the red furred and speckled selkie said with a vicious flash of teeth.

“And you, with your merman’s blood, is the last ingredient I need.”

**

Kylo Ren’s Uncle mourned his sister, who had turned into sea foams in search of love.

Kylo Ren’s Uncle mourned his nephew, who had left with the tide and never came back.

Kylo Ren’s Uncle was pleasantly surprised by the news of Snoke’s death. The end of the witch of the western sea was a boon to his waters. But the heroes who had destroyed the witch never showed their faces or left their names.

**

The young witch of the northern sea returned to inherit his father’s titles. He brought with him a treasure trove from the western sea, a strange shining red pelt, red like blood, and a merman with a bad singing voice.

Sometimes witch and merman would hoist themselves up onto a rock jetting out of the black waters, and look to the land in shared memory.

**

Omake:

Kylo: Ouch!  
Hux: Oh just suck on it, it will heal faster.  
Kylo: But my finger.  
Hux: Quit whining. Also what was with that betrayed look, Ren? How much blood do you think I need?  
Kylo: You suck on my finger.  
Hux: Oh fine.


	3. Sleeping A-hole

**Sleeping Beauty:**

**Act 1, scene 1, somewhere in a dragon cave:**  
** Curtains Rise **

Hux Sr: Son you are a disappointment.

Lady Hux: Such a disappointment.

Both Hux Sr and Lady: Three hundred years of age, and not a Princess in your cage. Are you even our son? Our boy that we had hatched from an egg? Our boy that we had raised with such high expectations?

Hux Jr: *Sullenly stares at his parents.*

** All exit stage left **

 

 **Act 1, scene 2, somewhere in the same dragon cave:**  
** Hux Jr enters, stage left **

Hux Jr: Oh but what use do I have of Princesses? When one bench pressed me and another rifle butted me in the face? And yet another raised an army, and blew up my precious Starkiller Cave?

** Princesses enter, stage right **

Hux Jr points to stage right at the Princesses.

Phasma: *Flexes in full armor.*

Jessika Pava: *Twirls her rifle.*

Leia: *Nods regally.*

** Snoke enters stage left **

Snoke the Wizard: Oh young Hux scion a dragon red like fire, won’t you come with me to my citadel? While I don’t have a Princess fair, a fair Prince may just be the next best thing?

Hux Jr, aside, in stage whisper: Little do they know, a Prince would be the best thing for me.

Hux Jr: Why great wizard this Prince might just be the thing, for me to terrorize and sooth my wounded pride. I’ll come with you to your citadel, but only for Monday evenings, Tuesday mornings, and Friday afternoons. I am a busy, busy dragon, and have skulls to polish, cats to feed, and a First Order cult to be run.

Snoke the Wizard: A part time employee is just fine with me. Fine with me.

** Snoke exits stage right, Hux Jr follows **  
** Curtains Fall **

 

 **Act 2 scene 1, the citadel:**  
** Curtains Rise **

Hux Jr: There indeed is a Prince at the citadel. But he is asleep instead of awake for me to scare and terrify. And his face is most uncomely and strange, with the biggest nose and ears I’ve ever seen.

Hux Jr, gestures at Ben Solo, lying down asleep on a bed: To think this is Queen Leia, that vile loathsome woman’s son! Where are his mother’s beauty and his father’s rugged handsomeness? This job is so boring, I might as well just go back to my cave.

Hux Jr: *Circles Ben Solo, sneering.*

** Fade to black **

 

 **Act 2, scene 2, the citadel:**  
** Fade back to light **  
Hux Jr is in the middle of a rant, sitting down on the bed of Ben Solo, who is still lying prone.

Hux Jr: And the villagers were most unappreciative! They called us tyrants, when all the First Order wanted was to instill order and good governance! How else would they have grains for the coming wane year? Why would they doubt my words and curse my name? Just because of the skin I wear? Just because of my father’s name that I bear? The First Order was only asking for such a fractional tax. Those peasants could well afford it and still have more to spare!

And my father won’t even look me in the face. Why he never managed to keep a Princess either! My mother was a witch from the wild marshes of Arkanis, not a noblewoman with tea cups and a sitting room.

Why Ben Solo I’ve heard you were a disappointment too, nothing like your parents before you. Your birth brought expectations but no cheer. Your childhood was spent in tantrums and failures. Now as a man no one even comes for you, except Snoke to leech your Force powers, and my lonesome self to grace your tower.

Hux Jr: *Looks away*

Ben Solo: *Twitches slightly.* 

** Curtains Fall **

 

 **Act 3, scene 1, the briar road:**  
** Curtains Rise **  
** All enter stage left **

Rey: I’ve heard there is scavenging to be had, in that black citadel so mysterious and dire.

Finn and Poe, under a horse costume: There is much scavenging to be had, in the citadel mysterious and dire!

Rey: *Cuts through thorns and roses*

Rey: Hey maybe I can even sell some of these roses!

** All exit stage right **  
** Curtains Fall **

 

 **Act 3, scene 2, the citadel:**  
** Curtains Rise **

Rey, Finn and Poe, Hux Jr are all in a scuffle, with Ben Solo still lying prone.

Rey: Evil dragon I’ve heard of you! With your First Order and Starkiller too! You oppress the weak with dragon fire, and stole the stars with black magic dire, all to decorate your own den and fill your own coffers most unfair! And here I find you with the Kingdom’s long lost Prince, no doubt under your spell, kept prisoner to fulfill your sick desires!

Hux Jr, red in the face from indignity: Little girl you are much mistaken. All the taxes were used for roads and community projects the First Order had undertaken. And the stars why the stars belong to none. I see on them neither your name nor the Queen’s. So what if I took a few back to my cave, to better admire their glitter and glow? And the Prince is not even my prisoner. What means you by sick desires?

Finn and Peo, trying to kick Hux Jr: Nayyy! Nayyy!

Hux Jr and Rey fight.

Rey pushes Hux Jr, who falls face-first onto Ben Solo, accidentally touching Ben’s mouth with his own.

Ben Solo pushes Hux Jr off himself and off the bed, sits up: Oh after all those boring years, finally now I am awake again! Again to share my wrath with the world! Again to walk in the steps of my grandfather, Lord Darth Vader whom I most admire! And no please call me Prince Kylo Ren, a master knight and powerful dark mage! And you Ginger Dragon with your whiney voice, if I have to listen to your complaints for another day, I swear I would have woken up just to punch you in the face!

Rey: …

Finn and Poe: …

Hux: You son-of-a-bitch!

Kylo Ren, turns to Rey: And you girl, in you I sense a power just like mine! You need my guidance, you need a teacher, you need…

Rey: *Beams Kylo Ren over the head with her staff, knocking him out cold.*

Kylo Ren: *Falls back onto the bed, out cold.*

Hux Jr: I liked him better when he was unconscious.

** Curtains Fall **

 

 **Act 4, scene 1, the capital:**  
** Curtains Rise **

Rey, Finn and Poe, Hux Jr, and Kylo Ren all stand before Queen Leia and High Priest Luke Skywalker.

Some First Order officers are holding onto Snoke, in cuffs.

Queen Leia: Again I thank you all for subjugating the Evil Wizard Snoke, and returning our wayward son and Prince to us. Rey, if you’d like, you could further train your talents with my brother at the temple.

Rey: Will I get free room and board?

Luke Skywalker: Well of course dear girl. And your horse too will be taken care of.

Rey: Alright!

Finn and Poe: Yay!

Queen Leia: Now Hux and the First Order, we had our differences in the past, but I believe it is time for us to open our hearts and open up negotiations and bilateral diplomatic relations, especially with this heroic and selfless deed, with your aid in apprehending Snoke.

Hux Jr, aside, in stage whisper: Alas there was no heroic change of heart. Since I’ve already broke Snoke’s spell by accident, I thought I’d better get at Snoke before he got me.

Hux Jr: A bilateral diplomatic relationship with one of the grandest Kingdoms of men would be in both our favours, yes.

Queen Leia: And also since you have broken Prince Ben Solo’s spell…

Kylo Ren: Mom, I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, it is Kylo! KYLO REN!

Queen Leia: As I was saying, since you have broken Prince Ben Solo’s spell with what was no doubt a true love’s kiss, you are now, by the laws of our fairytale Kingdom of man, effectively dragon and husband.

Hux Jr: WHAT?!!!!

Kylo Ren: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!!!!!

** Kylo Ren runs off screaming, stage left **  
** Hux runs off silently screaming, in the other direction **

Queen Leia: Finally my little boy’s all grown up and happily married. Their screaming remind me so much of my own self and my dear husband. *Wipes away a tear of joy*

** Rest exit stage right **  
** Curtains Fall **

 

 **Act 5, scene 1, dragon cave Starkiller Cave II:**  
** Curtains Rise **

The stage is dim, one could hear noise of a scuffle(?), and much swearing and panting.

** Fade to light **

Hux Jr and Kylo Ren break apart from a heated kiss, to each sit upon his own side of the bed. Both are naked from the waist up. Both look a little dazed.

Kylo Ren, aside, in stage whisper: What is this strange wild magic? Is this what dragons do with their Princesses? 

Hux Jr, aside, in stage whisper: Is this what Princes do with their dragons? What is this strange Dark-side sorcery?

Kylo Ren: For the record, you are still a whiney bitch with daddy issues.

Hux Jr: Fuck you Ren and your granddaddy issues.

** Fade to dark **

Shadows of Hux Jr and Kylo Ren can be seen falling back to bed.

** Curtains Fall **

And they all lived happily ever after? Yay?


End file.
